Discernment Counseling and the Power of Emotional Awareness
Introduction
For couples caught in long-standing patterns of distance, disconnection, or uncertainty, the path forward can feel unclear. Do we stay and work on the relationship — or is it time to let go? In this interview with Michal Goldman, LCSW, a seasoned couples therapist specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and discernment counseling, she talks about how awareness, emotion, and presence can help partners find clarity in even the most uncertain seasons of relationship.
Based in New York, Michal works with couples who are ready to look beneath reactive cycles and understand what drives their disconnection. Her integrative approach bridges experiential depth with compassionate structure, offering a way forward that honors both love and autonomy.
Interview
Q: Your work with couples draws deeply from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). What first drew you to this model, and what do you find most transformative about helping partners connect through their emotions rather than through problem-solving?
Michal Goldman: What I love about EFT is that it takes us out of the “who’s right, who’s wrong” mindset and brings us into emotional truth. Couples often come in trying to solve their relationship like a puzzle — if we can just communicate better, or divide responsibilities differently, things will change. But underneath those logistics is something far more tender: the fear of disconnection and what comes along with it. EFT helps partners tune into those deeper emotional needs and longings. When that happens, there’s this sense of Oh, that’s what’s really happening between us. When partners can share that with each other in a bonding way, it creates genuine change.
Q: EFT and experiential approaches both invite people to slow down and feel what’s happening in the moment. How do you use that process to help couples move from reactivity or defensiveness toward a deeper sense of emotional safety?
Michal: Slowing down is foundational to this work. Most couples have a well-worn dance — one partner pursues, the other withdraws, they both tiptoe around topics, or they both escalate. When we slow the moment down in session, we can begin to see what’s underneath those moves. I might ask a partner to pause and notice what they feel in their body as they talk about a painful moment, which helps create space between the feeling and reaction, thereby shifting their typical dynamic. I also work hard to truly understand where each person is coming from. When someone feels truly seen — not judged, not analyzed, just seen — the nervous system settles. Safety grows from there in the therapy room and in the relationship.
Q: You’ve spoken about how couples often get caught in repeating patterns — arguments or emotional distances that can last for years. What helps people begin to see those patterns clearly enough to start shifting them?
Michal: It’s a combination of compassion and structure. A large focus of the beginning of this work is to map out the cycle together to create a shared language for the couple. When couples can say, “Here’s that pattern again; we both know it,” something softens. The pattern becomes the problem, not the partner. That’s when curiosity and empathy can begin to return.
Q: I know you also have a specialty in discernment counseling, which is designed for couples who are uncertain whether to stay together or separate. For readers who may not be familiar, can you explain what discernment counseling is and how it differs from traditional couples therapy?
Michal: Discernment counseling is a short-term process- ranging from 1 to 5 extended sessions- for couples where one person is leaning out of the relationship and the other is leaning in. Traditional couples therapy assumes both people are committed to working on the relationship and the interventions are tailored around that. But when one partner isn’t sure they want to stay, that model doesn’t fit, and those couples often leave feeling confused and unresolved. Discernment counseling creates a space where we slow things down and clarify. Each partner explores their own contribution to the relationship problems and what might be possible moving forward. The goal isn’t to fix the marriage — it’s to reach clarity and confidence about the next step. When couples leave discernment counseling, regardless of what decision they make, they often report feeling much more closure and the process of separation or reconciliation is much smoother.
Q: Discernment counseling emphasizes autonomy and informed choice. Why is it so important that each partner feels empowered and respected in deciding the future of the relationship — even when their goals might differ?
Michal: Because coercion never leads to growth. When people feel pushed or cornered into staying, resentment builds; when they feel dismissed or rushed toward leaving, grief goes unprocessed. Autonomy allows truth to emerge. In discernment counseling, we work toward informed choice: understanding yourself, your partner, and the relationship clearly enough to make a conscious decision — not one based on fear or fatigue. Knowledge is power, but it’s also compassion.
Q: When couples are in that “in-between” space — unsure of what they want but longing for clarity — what does progress often look like?
Michal: Progress means having increased confidence, clarity, and closure. For some couples, that might mean separation; for others, it might mean reconciliation or deciding to pause and hold off on a final decision for now. But regardless of the outcome, they’re entering the next stage with a deeper understanding of themselves and their partner — which makes them far less reactive. When couples do decide to divorce after discernment counseling, most choose mediation rather than litigation. That’s a huge financial and emotional burden off of their shoulders, and it often happens because they’ve done the work to gain clarity, take responsibility, and move toward closure with compassion.
Q: How do you see the role of presence — both yours as a therapist and your clients’ growing presence with themselves — in creating healing and change?
Michal: Presence is the foundation. My job is to model it — to hold steady when emotions are high, to stay curious rather than reactive. When clients experience that kind of grounded attention, they begin to internalize it. They learn they can stay with their own emotions instead of avoiding or controlling them. That’s where transformation begins — in the ability to stay present with what’s real, even when it’s painful.
At the Heart of the Work
Michal: I see myself as helping people awaken to themselves through relational truth. Whether through the depth of Emotionally Focused Therapy or the clarity of discernment counseling, my work reminds us that healing often begins not with answers, but with awareness.
Learn more about Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and discernment counseling, or visit michalgoldmanlcsw.org to explore Michal’s work with couples seeking clarity and connection.